I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
