it hurts more in the daytime
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
