the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize