Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
