Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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