The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize