Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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