I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
