when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
