I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
