Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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