I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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