college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
