i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
