Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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