Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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