Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
sex in a hospital.. check
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
