Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
