I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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