she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
