You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
