i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're like the curious george of whores
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
