Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
