I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
