when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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