I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
