Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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