i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
