Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
