the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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