If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
