if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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