So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
