Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
