You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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