I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
