where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
