the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
