I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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