Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
