dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
