she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
