Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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