i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize