Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
