To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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