I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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