hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
