this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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