I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
