you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Couch. On fire.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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