the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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