Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
