im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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