it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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