I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
