drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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