I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
