i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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