the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
