Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
